Are YOU in an Abusive Relationship? Quiz!

Hey girls! We're going to be starting a series on abusive relationships. This will be our first series here on To Die For, and we're very excited about it! :) This is the first post in the series. This post is going to be a little different from the rest because this post is going to be a quiz to help you determine if you're in an abusive relationship. You may know what an abusive relationship is, have no clue, or only know a little about them. It's fine either way, we're just hoping that this quiz can help point you in the right direction and help you get an idea if you may be having some issues with an abusive relationship or not. This series will include detailed descriptions of what abuse is, the different kinds of abusive relationships, how to get out of an abusive relationship, how to help a friend out of an abusive relationship, how to heal from a past abusive relationship, and how to prevent getting into an abusive relationship in the future.

Directions: Don't worry, this isn't going to be something complicated. You guys are like, a quiz? Really? Aren't we in summer? Yep, I'm sure most of you are. But don't worry, it won't be that bad. In fact, you can answer all of these questions with a simple Yes or No. Easy, right? I thought so.


1.) Does he continually blame everyone else or you for his problems? Have you heard him say things like, "You're so calm and together, and she was so crazy and paranoid."? If so, he is blaming someone else for his problems. If he's saying things like, "If you wouldn't have given me such an attitude, I wouldn't have had to.... (fill in the blank here)", he is blaming you for his problems. This is a bad sign upfront because it's showing that he's not going to take the blame for any of his own actions and can later try to make you believe that everything he did was your fault.

2.) Has he been known for calling you reguraly to find out where you are, what you're doing, or who you're with? If so, this is a sign of him being very controlling, which usually goes hand in hand with abusive relationships. Most of the time, in abusive relationships, the abuser can be very controlling or demanding. They can ask lots of questions and always seem to want to know what you're doing. What may be disguised under him being all sweet and caring about you, is really that he just always wants to know what you're doing 100% of the time. Your guy is supposed to genuinly care about you and your interests, but they are not supposed to be in your buisness 100% of the time in such a demanding way.

3.) Have you noticed a drop in friends or the people close to you since you started dating/spending more time with him? If so, this is because he is trying to issolate you away from your friends and family. He desires to have control and he feels more in control when you are alone. Alone means you're volunerable. With these types of guys, they desire to have control and don't like having anything getting in the way of that. Most of the time, you can experience a drop in friends without even really noticing it happened. It's not going to be black and white that it's your guy's fault, but always remember that if everyone else around you doesn't think he's good for you, chances are he isn't.

4.) Is he continually criticizing you on your looks or telling you ways you can "improve" yourself? If so, he's knocking your self esteem. The less highly you think about yourself, the more control he has over you. These guys can criticize you quite openly, or sometimes in a sarcastic mannar, and then when you become offended over it, tel you that you are just "over reacting" and need to "lighten up" Well girls, if he is joking around about your appearance at all, he's not trying to help you in any way. Don't get caught up in the lie that he wants you to really "improve".

5.) Does he try to rush you into a relationship too quickly, or try to convince you to do things you may not be comfortable with? This one goes back to his desire for control again. It may come off as him being really pushy and wanting to date you right NOW and not wanting to wait, or it could be something deeper as him trying to push you into something you're not ready for, such as kissing or drinking.

6.) Can you tell him anything without having him blow up, blame you, or midunderstand your meaning? Relationships are supposed to be built on trust and understanding. If he's continually blowing up on you and causing you to feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" in order to not make him angry, he's not exacting being understanding. You should be able to feel comfortable talking to your partner, and shouldn't feel so stressed to talk with him.

7.) Does he always seem to be overly interested in you and ask you lots of questions to "get to know you"? Sorry girls, but in this case, he's not just interested in getting to know you, though that's what he wants you to think. He's actually using all the information you're giving him to understand you better and how you work, only to use this information against you later. That's such a huge sign of an abusive relationship. Are they taking information and using it against you? That's never a good sign.

8.) Does he threaten to hurt himself or someone else if you leave? This one is pretty straightforward, but if so, that is never a good sign. They are trying to control your emotions here by making you feel bad and worried. You wouldn't want them to hurt themselves if you left, so you use that as an excuse to stay.

9.) Do they try to convince you that you can't persue your dreams? What may be disguised as a helpful suggestion saying they think you can't do something, is really a direct insult to you. Chances are, they know that you are capable of persuing your dreams, but the more you branch out away from them and their grasp, the less control they keep.

10.) Do you feel like you both are always fighting or fear "punishment" of any sort if you make him upset? You should never fear your partner, period. But if you and your partner are always getting into fights, the relationship isn't a healthy one already. Fearing punishment is worse because then you've associated that doing different things can create negitive responses in him such as not talking to you for a defined amount of time, physically punishing you, or verbally yelling at you until you give in. Usually giving in would be something like saying you're sorry, admitting he's right, or agreeing on something that gives him more control.

11.) Does he ever hit you, create bruises by pinching you or forcefully grabbing you, push or shove you, or tell his friends to "playfully" hit you? This one might be a little more ovbious, but if he's forcefully laying a hand on you in any way, you would answer this question with a yes. He shouldn't be forceful with you physically under any condition and should be respectful of your space and body.

12.) Has he ever said, "You would if you loved me"? If he's ever trying to get you to do something by telling you that you would do something if you loved him, the relationship is not headed in the right direction at all. Remember that the right guy is going to be respectful of you, your beliefs, and your dreams.

13.) Did he say, "I love you" right away? What might come off as sweet, can also come off a little creepy. He may show signs of wanting to jump right into the relationship quickly, and one of the ways he does this is by telling you he loves you dearly.

Note: Not all of these things are going to necessarily be displayed right away in a relationship. And though I tried to cover lots of different things that could be going on in an abusive relationship, there are many more signs that I haven't covered. I'd encourage you to find more information out there on symptoms of abusive relationships to help you identify if you are indeed in one.

If you answered Yes to any of the questions above, you're in an abusive relationship and you need to get out. You don't deserve to have the guy that you're currently with. Remember that we're all children of God and he cares about us dearly. He doesn't desire to watch his children get hurt or put down in any way. I'd encourage you to stay tuned for our next posts in this series where we'll be covering ways to get out of the abusive relationship, and ways to heal from the past. Remember that we're also here for you! If you need someone to talk to about this, or anything, feel free to send us an email form our "Contact Us" page and we will get back to you shortly. You don't have to go through this alone, we're here for you.

If you answered No to all of the above questions, then there is a good chance you're not in an abusive relationship. Like I said, I don't think I covered every possible sign of an abusive relationship out there and if you wanted to clarify, you can do some more reaserch, but I tried to cover some of the broad topics and major warning signs. We also welcome you to continue to read the series even if you're not in an abusive relationship now, because it could help you stay out of one for the future, or help a friend out of one someday as well. If you have a friend who is in an abusive relationship and needs help or prayer, feel free to contact us using our "Contact Us" page at the top of the blog and we would love to hear from you.

~Angelica

The Lord is Close to the Brokenhearted

"We're sorry, but I don't think she's going to make it."

The words stabbed through my heart, and I felt the weight of them crush me like a ton of bricks. Was I even hearing her correctly? Maybe I was just seeing things. Or I could be dreaming. Yes, dreaming would be nice. Then I can just wake up and forget...

"Come on Anna, let's go visit her."

As my dad pulled me into the hospital room where my little sister was waiting, every step felt so hard to take. Every breath felt close to impossible. But still, I was alive. Alive in the very physical sense of the world. But as I sat there in the room with my little sister, being forced to say goodbye, everything felt impossible. In a sense it was like my world had fallen apart. She was my world. And now my world was over. 

Most everyone has experienced the feeling of being brokenhearted. Like Anna in the story, you easily could have had a situation in your past where everything just felt impossible. Breathing may seem labored and hard to manage. You might feel a constant pain or heaviness in your chest. Maybe even doing the simplest things are just hard to manage or even close to impossible anymore. I think everyone experiences the feeling of brokeness or brokenheartedness at some point in their lives. But do we really know how to respond when we feel this way? Most of us, when we get to this point, we have no clue where to turn! I've been there, and sometimes over things that are a lot less big than Anna's situation above. 

If you ask around and try talking to others on their opinion on how to handle this feeling, expecially as teenagers, most of them will say things like this.

~ "Oh, you're just a teenager. It's normal to be emotional. The feeling will pass."

~ "Why don't you try finding things to engage in to take your mind off of how your feeling?"

~ "Well, ya know, time heals everything. Just wait awhile and things will get better."

Now don't get me wrong. Teenagers can and will be emotional sometimes. It can be a really good thing to find something else to do if you are feeling overwhelmed in your emotions. And for most things, time does heal things. But sometimes, these answers just aren't good enough. We want something more. Something to grab on to. Something that will encourage and inspire us. Something to give us hope when all seems lost. Well good news for us, God has given us the answer in the Bible. But firstly, we need to realize that not only does God have everything under control, but he is actually close to us! Look at what this Bible verse states in Psalms.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted 

    and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18 

What good news this is for us to hear. To know that even when we feel this way and even when we feel this broken, God has never left us and he actually is close to us instead. This is also worded in another way here. 

 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

So in knowing that God is close to us when we feel broken, we need to run to Him when we feel this way. He is the only one who truly can understand the depth of the pain we feel or the weight in our chest. He understands the situation and knows every little part of it. The Bible says that he knows exactly how many hairs we have on our head!(Luke 12:17) God not only knows the problem and its extent but because he loves us so much, he wants us to take our problems and worries to Him. He doesn't want us to have to deal with our problems alone and actually tells us to give our worries, cares, and all of our problems over to Him so we don't have to carry them ourselves! He says that when we go to Him with our problems and give them over to Him, he will give us his peace.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." Romans 5:1

So today I just want to encourage you girls. Sometimes we feel brokenhearted. We just feel hurt and crushed and the things of life get us down. But girls, we don't have to deal with this alone! God is right here with us through everything we are going through. Every step of the way. And when we feel like we can't take another step, God is right there to tell us that we can, that we can heal, and we can get better. Remember that all things are possible through God(Matthew 19:26). When we feel this way, at any time in our lives, we need to run to God. He will help us and will give us the strength we need to acomplish anything!(Exodus 15:2)

I found this song the other day called "Hanging On" by Britt Nicole. This song is amazing because in a way, it's a cry out to God. At the end of the song she's saying that she's hanging on because she knows God will take care of her. A beautiful song to listen to for any occasion! I have posted the video below, so feel free to check it out and let us know what you think! 

Girls, if any of you have been feeling Brokenhearted recently, it is our prayer that this post was an encouragment to you! If you need someone to talk to, prayer, or support, please don't hesitate to email us at heistodiefor@gmail.com and we will get back to you shortly! God Bless! <3

~Angelica

Through the Pain, To the Healing

A lot of times, you'll hear someone say that they just want to heal from a bad experience and move on with their life. This would make sense, as it would be kind of silly to think that you wouldn't want to heal from something. Why would you want to continue to hold all that pain close to you like that? Well unfortunately, there is something that can keep everyone from healing. Most of the time, it keeps a lot of people from even beginning the healing process. This thing is called pain. 

People don't like pain. In fact, most people try to live their lives in such a way that they don't have to encounter pain. Why? Because as humans, we don't like getting hurt. But most of the time, if not all of the time, we have to go through the pain in order to reach that state of healing. If we never go through the pain, we will never get to the heart of the problem and allow ourselves to heal. Let me tell you a story. 

When I was a young girl, my birth mom decided that she no longer wanted to be a part of my life and left me in the hands of my birth dad. My birth dad struggled to take care of me the best he could for a little while, until he eventually decided to give me over to the hands of my wonderful parents now, and at the age of 4 1/2, they adopted me. Though many things happened in between, once I learned that I was adopted around the age of 12, I really struggled. I had lots of questions and felt rejected and upset a lot of time. Unfortunately, this lead into me acting out. I felt so hurt and rejected that I was being very rude and disrespectful to my loving parents. This continued for years until I recently had the opportunity to visit my birth dad in Nebraska over the summer. Always being a Momma's girl and being rather clingy, I wasn't thrilled at the idea of leaving home to spend time in another state for any amount of time. I really struggled in those upcoming weeks before heading to Nebraska. I had never talked about being adopted with my birth dad and I wasn't planning on talking to him if and when I did decide to head there. But that was the thing, I didn't realize it then, but once I went there and went through the pain, I was going to come back a much better person, and would be healed from a lot of my past wounds. But at the time, I didn't want any part of this thing called "Healing" if it would be painful.

Lucky for me, I didn't really have a choice in the matter. My parents knew it would be best for me to go anyway, and off I went to Nebraska to spend a week there. To be honest, it wasn't easy. But it was good for a few reasons. Firstly, it made me put my trust in God because I was too scared and too out of my element to do anything else. One of the things I was worried about was not having very good cell phone reception. Funny enough, I didn't have very good reception. God's way of saying, "Hey, I'm right here. Come to me, I'm with you." God has a funny way of working sometimes. And ya know, I did get a lot closer to God because of my time in Nebraska. Sometimes my stubbornness can get in the way of what I know is the right option, which in this case, was going to God. It was also good for me because while I was there, I was able to have a heart to heart talk with my birth dad about being adopted. A conversation I had been dreading having for years, ended up being a conversation I am going to remember for the rest of my life. It put a lot of things into perspective and allowed for me to see that God's hand was really in everything. My beginnings, everything that happened early on in my life, and everything going on in my life now. He's simply, always there. 

When I came back from my trip to Nebraska, there was a lot of healing that had taken place. I started seeing everyone else in my family differently because instead of being worried sick they were going to hurt me or leave all the time, I realized that they were all my family who were going to love and support me regardless of what I was going through. From then on out, I have been able to continue to heal my relationships with them. 

So that's the thing. As humans, we don't like pain. Most of us run from the idea of something being painful or unpleasant. But sometimes, we have to go through the pain and through that tough time in order to reach that state of healing. Luckily though, we are not asked to go through it alone. Jesus says that he will never leave us, so we need to remember that he is going to be there regardless of what we may be going through. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

So I just wanted to take the time to encourage you girls today. Sometimes we have to go through things that are going to be hard and unpleasant. But instead of being afraid of those times and wanting to run away from them, we should turn to God instead. He understands our fear and knows that some things might not be so easy. But he also says that he will give us his strength. 

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29

So girls, stay encouraged. God never promised that as followers of Him we would be free from pain and suffering. Not at all. But instead, he promised us something even bigger than that. He promised us eternal life to everyone that repents, He promised to never leave, and He promised that He would always take care of us. For me, I'd much rather have some pain and suffering if it meant having an all knowing, all loving God who is always on my side, looking out for me. 

~ Angelica

Topic Suggestions? Prayer Requests?  Feedback? We'd LOVE to hear from you! Please send us an email at heistodiefor@gmail.com and we will get back to you shortly!